You’re name means “peace” yet I have none when I’m around you. It’s as though I’m holding my breath under water knowing full well I can’t hold it longer than a minute or two. Except in this scenario you’re pushing my head down, forcing me to drown in these emotions and displeasures. 

I want to punch you in the face and immediately after please you in ways you’ve never known. I want to pour gasoline all over your heart and light that son of a bitch because I’m convinced it’s ice cold and dead. If you even have one anymore.

It’s funny how I’m still paying for the mistakes I’ve made because of you months later, but I guess what happens in private is filmed and played in front of an audience. They’re all laughing and judging me but you’re so cool you can walk away without a scratch. Not me, I’m so torn up it’s like I got into a fight with Freddy Krueger. But you’re my real nightmare. You keep me up at night replaying and reliving the horrific events that happened when I craved the one thing you would never give me… your approval.

I’ve realized that now and yet every time I see you I want you to fall for me. I want to be that girl you so obscenely describe to your friends on the train and I’d be lying if I said I was okay being with someone else. The craziest part though, the part that makes me cringe, is that I don’t even like you enough to be around you. No. It’s the thought of you that I love. It’s the pedestal I placed you so delicately on that has me all contorted. You, you’re just a body. It’s what you symbolize that ruins me. That breaks me down. 

I just want you to go away and pull me closer at the same time. But mainly go away. But also pull me into your stupid arms. 

I have no peace when I’m around you. Irony. 

Universe: The Best Role Model

Dear Veronica Santana,

Go outside. Look up. You see the sky. Now imagine beyond the clouds and smog and see the beautiful Universe you are a part of. Notice the stars, the black holes, the asteroids, the planets, everything. Isn’t She beautiful? Isn’t She absolutely other worldly? Something only God could create while thousands of artists, scientists, and filmographers try and fail to recreate Her. 

She should be your only role model. The only One you aspire to be. For She has and sustains everything. She is self supporting, breath taking, inspiring, brilliant, patient, raw, powerful, vast, full of depth, merciful, and humble. She also has something going for Her no one being has: she is Infinite. 

Strive to be Her. Strive to take on her qualities. And just like it did for Her, everything will fall into place. You’ve had your big bang. You’ve imploded and exploded and you probably will several more times. This is painful but necessary. One cannot have their life together without having it in upheaval beforehand. 

Just like the Universe, you exist and others exist. There is you and there is them. You coexist and depend on each other to continue coexisting. Let others be their own Universe as you become your own. You can look without judging. You can listen without judging. You can Be without disrupting others’ being. The Universe does this often. She watches as we terrorize Her planet and yet She does nothing to cease our existence. 

Now I cannot explain how you can become Her. It is a journey you must venture on your own. But I will tell you one thing: live day by day. For the Universe does not worry about what has happened in the past or what is going to happen in the future. She is wise enough to know she will never know and is comforted by the thought that it is out of Her hands and in the hands of a Higher Power more equipped to deal with such impactful decisions. 

The rest is up to you, God, and The Universe. I wish you the very best on your journey to become the most beautiful and powerful being. Do not worry about becoming too conceited or egotistical, for Gravity will surely keep you grounded. 

Infinite Love, 

Veronica Santana